Locally Grown is a paid partnership between local businesses and Little Lake County
Welcome to Locally Grown! Locally Grown introduces you to the people and stories behind local Lake County Businesses. Have you met Erin and Nick Hawn yet? The own and operate Lice Clinics of America – Vernon Hills. Today they are sharing with you the 7 Stages of Lice Infestation.
Hello! It’s lice to meet you. As a mother of 5 previously parasite infested children, and owner of Lice Clinics of America-Vernon Hills, I have tons of lice experience. In fact, I’m just itching to share with you my lice know how, but I won’t bug you with all of that. I will instead just invite you to hang out here for some humor, support, and the calming reassurance of our blog, because you are never alone! That’s right, we’re always in your corner and we’ll get through this together, you can relax, we got this!
We have all heard of the 5 stages of loss and grief or the 7 stages of depression, well here we have the 7 stages of Lice Infestation.
7 Stages Of Lice Infestation
1. SHATTERED INNOCENCE: (The Warning Signs!) Lice notices are coming home from school, You walk in on the tail end of a conversation between two mothers using the “L” word in hushed tones. Throats clear. “We meant ‘sLice,’ as in pizza day.” Gotcha! The weekend slumber party circulates stories about eggs lodged in a popular child’s hair that have you itching. And finally, that fateful episode where Muffy contracts lice on the children’s cartoon series Arthur, airs three times in one week. Foreshadowing? Perhaps.
2. DENIAL: (The Disowning Thoughts!) My kids allergies sure are acting up, must be a reaction to that new hair gel, that’s what is causing his itching. Lemme take a closer look, (gasp) “Tell me sweetheart, did you by chance participate in a fun craft project in school today with glitter that looks like poppy or sesame seeds?!” Lice is something that only happens to other families, right? I’m a good mother, wife, housekeeper, laundress, hygiene-instiller, Girl Scout leader, (fill-in-the-blank) and I buy all organic produce . . . so it simply cannot be lice. It’s dandruff, yeah, dandruff.
3. BARGAINING: (The Deals!) Please. I’ll volunteer to be Room-Mother at school AND the field trip driver. Okay, I’ll also become the art assistant. Absolutely, I’ll totally give up my “eating the jar of Nutella with a spoon” habit. Cold turkey. And I’ll stop complaining about having to buy knock-off designer purses at Target. Just please let me wake up and make these Super Lice a bad dream.
4. TERROR: (The Faulty Assumptions!) Life as I know it, is officially over. The only rational solution is to shave our heads. We’ll be branded with Scarlet L’s on our chests forever. We’ll never be hugged again. All the moms will think we’re the ones who started it. And Eeek! The bugs are everywhere – – our car seats, the sofa, inside Cheerios cartons, they’ve burrowed into our drywall, and our shag carpets are literally teeming with them. OMG. What do we have to do, fumigate? Move out for the weekend? Burn the house down!
5. ANGER: (The Ranting!) It was that weirdly dressed kid at school whose mother is an Avon Lady and still throws Tupperware parties, I just know it. Don’t even think about watching TV in the lice-free common area formally known as the family room! You’re gonna stay isolated in that bathtub for 2 whole hours while I pour ingredients typically found in a cobb salad onto your scalp, vinegar, mayo. Forget the washing machine … let’s trash all the linens and clothes. Are you certain we’re current on our homeowner’s insurance premiums, Dear? Great. Fetch the box of matches and some kerosene!
6. SPECIAL CELLPHONE OUTBURST: (Hating On Technology!) Stupid Selfies! Who leans their head right next to their BFF’s long hair 167 times a day to take pictures that will vanish after 10 seconds anyhow? What’s the point? You want to have a photo near someone else so badly? Cut his or her face out of the school yearbook with a scissors and paste it next to yours. I remember when we just had cameras and wristwatches. Where were all the lice back then??
7. RELUCTANT ACCEPTANCE: (But No Surrender!) Deep breath. Oh, it’s just a nice white paper towel from that super-absorbent roll I bought last week . . . with three wriggling, filthy vermin on it. Well that’s the living proof, I suppose. I’ve researched online for hours and here’s an interesting tidbit — Did you know in 1100 A.D. that a Rabbi proclaimed it was permissible to remove head lice on the Sabbath? Now I can officially pun with the best of ‘em. Listen to this . . . “I’ve got a new lease on lice” and “No more Mr. Lice guy.” Guess what else? I carried this baby for 9 months and labored for 48 hours— so if you blood-sucking, beastly, six-legged grotesque organisms think you’re gonna have a piece of her, you’ll have to get through me first!
POST-LICE PARANOIA: (The Odd Behavior!) Temporary Neat Freaks unite! In this final stage, you have never scrubbed your house so thoroughly. This house is clean! Your daughter is forbidden to play beauty parlor with Katie ever again. If they get bored, they can just French braid each other’s fingers. You say things like, “Nobody needs to sleep with their head on a pillow, it’s bad for the spine.” And are constantly shouting, “Raegan! Tell me I didn’t just see you scratching?!”
So there you have it. No matter what stage you’re in, if you’re feeling like it’s a no win situation, rest assured that countless others have gone through these familiar phases before you. And they all came out just fine, maybe they’re even laughing a bit, in retrospect.
So, when the next time rolls around, just call Lice Clinics of America because we have guaranteed results, all treatments are non-toxic, and we are recommended by pediatricians. We can do the screening for you,or walk you through the hows and whats of screening at home, be sure what you are seeing is, or isn’t lice, and eliminate it all in under 90 minutes and save you the days and weeks of panic, itching, and stress! RELAX, we got this!
Lice Clinics of America is offering Little Lake County Readers $10 off a back-to-school comprehensive head screening and a Buy One Get One Half Off of their lice preventive spray. Just mention you saw it on Little Lake County when booking or purchasing!
Disclosure: Lice Clinics of America Vernon Hills is our featured Locally Grown Business of the Month. This series of features is part of a paid partnership with Little Lake County. Contact [email protected] if you are interested in featuring your own locally-owned business in our series.