Having kids can sure put a damper on your love life. It’s not always easy to find alone time with your spouse. You know… to discuss politics, play cards, assemble furniture or for…. well, you know… What’s that saying – There’s no better birth control than a crying baby?
We already know you have the know-how. Evidence of that is probably tugging at your shirt at this moment asking for raisins. If you need to know why then I have the phone number of a good therapist for you. But it’s the when and where that can be particularly troublesome, especially when you might have a few extra tenants in your bed.
So I was asked (*cough* forced) to undertake an exhaustive study (e.g., I asked my friends on Facebook) for ideas of how you can safely sneak in “personal” time with your spouse. Just in time for Father’s Day, I give you the gift that you can both enjoy.
Top Ways to Get Lucky Without Freaking Out the Kids
We know newborns don’t sleep through the night. Believe me – I KNOW, but they do take naps during the day and ofttimes well into the preschool years. It does become problematic when the kids get older and don’t nap, so that’s when you start signing them up for…
- Drop-Off Classes!
Stick with park district classes first to ensure it’s close to home, which means you can zip back and forth quickly before the class concludes. You might even have enough time to turn your clothes right-side out. If your tryst requires more time than the class allows, then stop bragging, shut up, and no one wants to be friends with you. But seriously (because this is a dead-serious post), if your ardor simply cannot be suppressed during the drive home, then why don’t you do it in your…
Live out your naughty teenage fantasy! But at least pull into your garage and close the door first. We at Little Lake County cannot advocate actions that could get you arrested under the glow of the dashboard light. I also recommend reclining the front seat all the way back, even at the risk of a steering wheel in your butt. That backseat contains car seats now, which can lead to what one surveyed mom reported as a “ridiculous circus mess.” You have been advised.
It’s a proven fact that parents who do not allow their children screen time have far less sex than those that do. Consequently, they may also have fewer children. It’s a vicious cycle, really. Please be responsible when turning on PBS Kids and use a condom. Also, when I say “it’s a proven fact,” that means I made it up.
- There isn’t a fifth way. Nobody reads Top 4 lists. And anyway, if you succeed at using all the previous four methods, then you’re already having way more sex than most of your friends. Hooray for you!
I would feel remiss providing you a list of when and where to do “the do” without also telling you where NOT to do “the do.”
Please, that’s soooo obvious. Lemme guess – you also drink beer from a can and wear frames without lenses? You’re about as yesterday as ironic facial hair, my friend. Here’s the deal, the kids know that’s your space which means it is ripe for an invasion at all times. The cover of darkness will not protect you. Afternoon delight will quickly turn into afternoon fright. If you do not wish to heed, then like I said, I still have that phone number for a good therapist. She sees kids too.
- Laundry Room.
You think you’re clever, don’t you? Think the rumble of the dryer will prevent them from hearing you? No. What it prevents is you hearing them come down the stairs, open the door, and whoops! Lucy, you’ve got some splainin’ to do…
Really? I have a bigger audience now when I say, “I have to pee,” then during my 1st-grade dance recital. A locked door is a mere technicality. Another mom surveyed reported her daughter saying through the door, “I know what you’re doing.” I’ll bet that little voice echoes through their minds every time they even think of getting it on. How’s that for a buzzkill?
A piece of furniture found mostly in living/family rooms. In most homes, these rooms do not have doors. But the real reason you shouldn’t do it on the couch is that if you invite me over, I have to sit there. Ew.
So spill it…how, where do you get it on now that your house is overrun with tiny tyrants?
When Loralie isn’t out exploring with her two pint-sized adventurers you’ll often find her in front of her computer plotting to take over the world (or at least Lake County.) She appreciates good friends, good food, expensive shoes and parents who make two lanes in the drop-off/pick-up line at school. Her spirit animal is The Hobbit. She invites you to join her on her quest for unique distractions, diversions and deliciousness in this county we call home.