When I was first married, I read a book called The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, and it turned the way I thought about expressing and receiving love on its head. In the book, Dr. Chapman presents five different means of expressing and receiving love — receiving gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, and quality time.
Normally, he wrote, people have a primary love language in which they express and receive love most. Learning each other’s love languages changed the way I communicated love to my husband, and it changed the way he communicated love to me.
So when we had children, we were extraordinarily interested in Dr. Chapman’s The Five Love Languages for Kids, and we began testing the waters to see if we could identify if our kids had developed a primary love language yet. {Often kids needs all of the love languages to be expressed when they are young, and love languages don’t totally emerge until they grow older, Chapman expresses in his book.} I highly recommend this easy read for parents because it’s been hugely applicable for our family; reading it will give you a deeper, better understanding of your loved one’s true primary love language.
As I began to think about Valentine’s Day this year, I knew I wanted to give my children expressions of love on the day of love by means of how they naturally receive love, so I began thinking about tailoring my expressions around their love languages. My husband and I brainstormed ways to communicate our love to each of our four children, all who have different love languages, and here’s some ideas we came up with for Valentine’s Day gifts that speak their languages:
Words of Affirmation
Paying special attention to writing out our affections in a card or in something that can be easily displayed in a bedroom first came to mind. I thought of painting a canvas with one of my kid’s names spelled vertically and then writing character traits for each letter in his name or painting an encouraging picture with words about his or her character. I also love the idea of taking a deck of cards and writing 52 reasons why the receiver is a great person. Lastly, I thought, I could get creative and write a story starring my little guy and let him illustrate the pictures with the story line being about the reasons why he is a wonderful little soul.
Receiving Gifts
A love language gift can be tricky because it’s not just any old gift that often speaks to the heart; rather, it’s a meaningful gift, something special for that person that caters to his or her interest or speaks to his or her heart. For one of my sons, anything Lego would be a gift that speaks to the heart, he enjoys building with them so deeply. We’ve also learned with our gift kid that the delivery of the present matters and that it doesn’t have to be anything big and spectacular. It can be as simple as I went to the grocery store, and I bought your favorite treat.
Acts of Service
One of our daughters expresses her love through serving, and it’s so evident in the way that she looks for ways to help. It’s a big deal if I slow down enough to help her put her shoes on, even though she is fully capable. Or if one of us gets her water despite the fact that her bottle is a mere two feet away. We discerned that she was an acts of service love language because someone at the table would say, “Oh, mommy, I am thirsty. Could you get me water?” And before I could move she would jump out of her chair gleefully and grab the missing water bottle … only to ask for me to do the same thing for her two minutes later! For a child who appreciates acts of service, a great expression of love on Valentine’s Day would be putting time into helping him or her with something they’d like to do — installing a car stereo, updating computer software, loading new games onto an electronic device — or something they’d like to NOT have to do — giving them a get-out-of-chores free coupon for a rainy day or voluntarily taking all his or her chores for a day while serving him or her a favorite meal in their location of choice.
Quality Time
Quality time kids love undivided attention. They crave one-on-one time where they can engage with the other person in a meaningful way. A trip to Starbucks to sip a hot treat together, a lunch out, an experience that he or she can do with just you and that interests both parties are all high on the list! Finding something to engage in that is of high interest to both parties increases the engagement and the feeling of time well spent.
Physical Touch
Chances are if you have a physical touch kid, which is all of our kids’ secondary love language, then you definitely know it! A great expression of love for these kids is to do something where they can engage with you in a physical way. Little kids who receive love through physical touch might like a bounce-house play date or swimming time with mom or dad. Tweens and teens might appreciate a pedicure date with mom. Others might like a contact-driven sports time playing one-on-one basketball. And we never underestimate the power of snuggling up on the couch for a good movie, which is probably how we’ll cap our Valentine’s Day celebrations as a family!
Have you read the book The Five Love Languages for Kids? What have you learned about your child’s primary love language?
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